Remembering Sunday
by ally-loves-hp-123
Summary: Dan ruined his relationship with the one person who meant everything to him. Can he get it back? you'll have to read and find out :) *PHAN* *trigger warning (talk about suicide)
1. Chapter 1

**a/n: this is based on the song "remembering sunday" by all time low. I'm going to put a trigger warning (death/suicide) on this, just in case. yes, it does contain phan, no there is not really any smut in it. okay, that's all, thanks for reading this, please enjoy the fanfic *starts fanfic and hands you popcorn* **

**ps. when it is italicized it's a memory. **

* * *

I glanced at the clock on the top of my laptop, 2:33am. What was the point of editing this stupid video when I'll just get hate for it. I get so much hate now, even if I don't do anything. All thanks to….no. I shouldn't be thinking about this.

"_fag_"

"_I KNEW YOU WERE GAY_"

"_well, I guess i'll be unsubscribing now_"

"_I'll still love you, even though you are gay_"

"_I was waiting for the glorious day when we would find out that Dan Howell was gay_"

I read through some of the tweets on my twitter. This probably wasn't a good thing to be doing at 2:30 in the morning.

I closed out twitter and went back to editing my almost done video.

* * *

_"Oh Dan, can't you take a break from editing? I want to go snuggle on the couch before the radio show," Phil pouted and leaned his head on my shoulder as I edited my video. I sighed, taking my head phones off, and placing them next to the keyboard. _

_ "Phil, you know I have to finish this video. The danosaurs are expecting it tonight, and I don't want to edit after the radio show," I knew that Phil won't accept that as an answer. I lean my head back so I can look at him in the eyes. _

_His blue eyes, had a pleading look in them._

_ "Please..?" he mumbles like a little kid. Dammit, he always gets what he wants. I sigh and stand up. _

_ "alright, fine." I look at him and he kisses my cheek, grinning widely, as we both walk into the living room and go to watch tv and cuddle on the couch before the radio show._

* * *

Dan. stop it. you don't need him. You know what you did and you know he is gone. Get those thoughts out of your head.

I couldn't focus on my video any longer, I needed sleep.

I closed my laptop and made my way through the empty flat, to my even more empty bedroom. It wasn't the same without phil. I shouldn't lie to myself. I miss the way we used to cuddle until we fell asleep, or the way he would kiss me and say how lucky he was to have me. That's all gone now, all because I made a big deal out of something that could have been fixed easily.

I pulled my t-shirt off, and changed into sweatpants. I flipped the light off and crawled into the empty, lonely, cold bed and laid my head on the pillow, looking at the ceiling. I slowly drifted off into a sleep, trying to get the thought out of my head.

* * *

_I can hear Phil talking to his computer. He was doing a live show and I was scrolling through tumblr. _

_"Hey Dan!?" I hear Phil call to me through the walls of our flat. _

_"Yea?!" I call back, not breaking eye contact with my computer. _

_"Do you want to come and finish up the show with me?" He calls once more through the walls. I reblog one more photo and close my laptop, going into the lounge where Phil was. _

_I smile at how beautiful he was. He was mine, and I was his. _

_I jump on the couch, grinning. _

_"Oh hey guys!" I chirp, and look at some of the comments. _

_"A wild Danisnotonfire appeared!" Phil giggles and reads some of the comments also. They don't know about us, and I suppose that was a good thing. I wanted to tell them, I just don't know when a good time would be. _

_-do you looovveeee anyone?-_

_-when's your new video?-_

_-OMG DANNN-_

_-phan 3 -_

_I laughed at some of the comments, and finished up the show with Phil. We said our goodbyes and the show ended. He set his computer on the coffee table, leaving it open so he would remember to edit his new video. _

_I sat a bit closer to him, wrapping my arm around his waist. Phil smiled sweetly at me and leaned on my shoulder. I kissed his cheek. _

_" I love you Dan," He mumbles, looking up at me. I smiled and said the same three words back to him. _

_He looked at his computer and nearly screamed. He bent forward quickly slamming the lid shut. _

_"What?! Oh my god Phil what?!" I turn to face him. _

_"The li-liveshow. I thought I tu-turned it off but it was still on. Dan! I just let our se-secret slip!"_

_"shhhh, it'll be okay," I kissed the top of his head, and we remained hugging for awhile. I told him it was okay though, and it wasn't nearly close to okay. Phil just told the phandom that he loves me and I said I loved him back. Now they know we are gay. Fuck my life. This was all his fault. All of it_

* * *

I woke up, tears rolling down my cheeks. Why can't I just stop thinking about it. Why can't I forget about him, god dammit. I don't need Phil, I can live my life without him.

That was the biggest lie I ever told myself.

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**feedback my lovelies? ^-^**


	2. Chapter 2

** waoooooooaahhhhh chapter two, what's gunna happen?! …..*exits room* **

* * *

By the time I got up and got dressed it was already 3. I had to go to the BBC for the radio show. I haven't seen phil in a week, and to be honest I was pretty excited to see him.

He probably wanted nothing to do with me, and I probably shouldn't want anything to do with him, but the truth is I can't live without him. I wanted things to go back to how they were. Where we could tell each other anything, and not judge. Or where we could snuggle the whole day, not saying anything, but still not get bored.

I miss those days. Since the incident, we haven't talked and Phil moved out. It was my fault he moved out though. If we could of just worked this out, Phil could still be here talking about the radio show, or talking about what we were going to make for dinner.

but no, because i was a twat, I ruined it all. All of it. The chance of our future was ruined, all because of one stupid thing I said.

* * *

I made my way to the radio studio at around 4 because I had to talk to them about a few things. I didn't expect Phil to be there that early, but that didn't matter. I still had butterflies in my stomach.

I haven't felt this way in awhile. I had the silly feeling you get when you have your first kiss, or share your first "I love you"

It was stupid, why did I get my hopes up for this. Did I expect him to come running back in my arms. no. Dan, you need to stop. He's not coming back.

I walked into the office, when I was stopped by my manager.

"Dan, can I have a word with you in private?" He asks me and leads me away. He leads me into a room. It basically was like a prison. How in the world would this be good news?

We talked, and with every word he said my heart broke a bit.

Phil had quit the job, without any warning or any explanation why and i had just been fired. Fired because I hadn't been acting myself lately. The last few shows with phil hadn't been the same.

"Dan and Phil on BBC radio 1 from 7-9 on sundays" meant nothing to me anymore. It felt like a rather bad memory that I never wanted to think about.

Yes, we did have some good times on the show. But most of the time, it was bad. We had to hide our relationship from everyone, because i'm pretty sure BBC didn't want to gay lovers running a show for them. The last few shows had been pretty shity as well. We haven't been the same since well….you know why.

We had done three radio shows after Phil told the phandom we were gay. Three awful shows and after the third show on sunday, our lives forever changed. All because I couldn't keep my thoughts and anger under control. All because I said one stupid thing. All because I was scared and didn't know what to do.

I left the BBC building. I didn't even get my things, I just left. I didn't want to be in there anymore. I didn't want to be anywhere anymore. I much rather be gone.

* * *

I walked down a dirt path that I like to walk down when I needed time by myself. I wanted to be alone, but at the same time I wanted to be with people. People who could cheer me up, people who could put a smile on my face, people like Phil.

Dan. stop. he's gone. He doesn't want you anymore.

I walked for awhile, planting myself on a park bench. The cool evening breeze was hitting again't my face and running through my hair. It was good just to be by myself for awhile, just me and the breeze.

* * *

_"Dan! your hair looks fine come on! I'm getting soaked!" Phil giggles at me as we made our way through the busy streets of london. It was pouring rain, and I now had hobbit hair. _

_He grabbed my hand and pulled me into starbucks, walking us to a table and two chair near the back. _

_We sat and talked about everything and nothing for what seemed like hours. It was wonderful. We always spent our fridays in starbucks just talking. Just me and him. _

_"Dan, you look beautiful stop playing with your hair," He leans across the table and kisses me softly. I kiss him back the same way, blushing lightly._

* * *

I covered my face trying to stop thinking about him. It was hard, when someone that important leaves your life. You would do anything to get them back, literally anything. You feel lonely and useless. You feel like you can never be happy again.

That's how I feel even though it was my fault phil left.

I needed him back. I know he won't take me back, but he needs to know I still love him. If I could say one last thing to him, it would be "I love you".

* * *

**oh look who finished chapter two *whispers* me :) feeback? **


	3. Chapter 3

**OH HEY GUYS ;D enjoy chapter three **

***trigger warning* (mention of suicide ) **

* * *

I walked to Pj's house. Phil and PJ have been friends for years, i'm sure PJ knows where Phil is.

It's been a week since I got fired and I still couldn't get over Phil and what I did.

I knocked on Pj's door and he opened the door, looking at me like i'm a stranger.

"Hey Dan, er, come on in," He stepped out of the way and I walked in his silent house. I saw chris sitting on the couch, and I sat next to him. He waves, and I wave back.

We acted like we all just met. I've known these guys for a few years as well. I realize that they probably hate me as well, for what I did to Phil. Who wouldn't hate me?

"Dan, will you excuse me and Chris for a second?" He pulls chris off the couch and leads him into the kitchen, away from me. I was alone again.

"we have to tell him! he has a right to know chris. He'll find out one way or another, and I rather it be from us then from someone else. Dan is our friend, no matter what he did to Phil. We can't keep this from him," I heard Pj talking to Chris in the other room. The worst of all the memories came flooding back in my mind. The memory that ruined it all.

* * *

_"Dannnn, come on get up! Today is Friday and we have to go to starbucks. Like always!" Phil chirped at me happily. He was sitting next to me in our bed, the sun peaking through the curtain. _

_"just go make breakfast! I'll be up soon," I hissed at Phil, making him get up and leave me alone again. I didn't like being alone. _

_I got up and walked into the kitchen to see Phil cooking eggs. _

_"god phil. You know I usually have cereal in the morning," I flopped onto one of the kitchen chairs, rolling my eyes. _

_"I'm sorry…I can eat these and I'll make you some cereal?" He asked me putting the cooked eggs on a plate. He then poured a bowl of cereal for me and we began to eat. We ate in silence. _

_"Dan, i'm sorry. I'm assuming your mad about the whole live show thing. I mean. It's been a few weeks, you just seem mad about it still. I mean, I don't understand why you wouldn't be-," Before Phil could let the last words of his sentence leave his mouth I snapped. _

_"Shut Up!" I yelled at him, not being able to control what I was saying. _

_"Excuse me?" Phil looked at me like he just got scolded for eating a cookie before dinner, or he forgot a homework assignment. _

_"Shut up Phil! This is ALL your fucking fault. If you were to of just shut the fucking computer none of this would have happened! Do you know how much hate I have been getting lately? Do you know how many subscribers i've lost? All because of you phil! You are so stupid!" The words slipped. There was no taking back what I said. no "oh I was just joking" no. not this time. I ruined it. _

_"Dan I. I'm so sorry, I know I am so stupid and you don't deserve me. I should just leave," He was now standing, looking at the floor._

_"Yea, you should! Get out of my life! I don't need you. You ruin everything. You ruined my youtube channel. I don't understand how I put up with you this long! How could I or anyone ever love you?" Those were the last words I said to Phil Lester. _

* * *

I wiped the tears out of my eyes, and take a deep breath as Pj and Chris make their way back into the living room. Pj held a letter addressed to me in his hand and he handed it to me. He didn't say much, but the words he did say stung like a million bee stings.

"Dan, Phil came by awhile ago and he wasn't doing well. He moved back in with his parents and brother. He came by to visit with me for a bit, but it was always very quiet. Two nights ago, I got a phone call from his mum and well, Phil committed suicide. I am so sorry, I know what must be going through your head, he was my friend also. If you need to talk me and Chris are both here and-" before he could finish I left. Left without needed to hear another word.

Tears rushed down my face as I pushed my way through the floods of people. I held the letter tightly in my hand and finally made it back to our flat.

Phil killed himself because of me.

I didn't know what the letter said, and frankly I was quite ashamed to read it. Phil didn't need to waste his time writing me a letter. I don't deserve it.

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**feedback? :D **


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch.4 last chapter my cupcakes haha! ^-^ **

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"Dear Dan,

I know you probably still hate me, I still hate me. What I did was stupid, and I should've made sure I logged out of the show. I'm really truly sorry. I hope you are doing well, I know I'm not. well, if you are reading this, then I guess I died. I want you to know, that even though you may of stopped loving me. I still love you with all my heart, and I hope somewhere deep down you feel the same way. You changed my life for the better, and I could never thank you enough for that Dan.

I'm not going to end this letter by saying goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. I will never forget about you, and I hope you won't forget about me.

So this isn't goodbye just yet. I'll see you before you know it. Life your life the the very fullest because that's what I would of wanted you to do. I love you,

Phil Lester"

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**-okay, that's all I have for you guys! feedback? should I write more stories like this or?- **


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